I’m having a good time in the “Inland Empire” aka the 909. It is always fun for me to remember how much I love spending time with my sister, Jini. She’s two years older than me and we’ve been best friends since I was 13. I’m so blessed to have her in my life. We’ve had some really tough times, and sometimes I feel like she is one of the few people who understands where I’ve been and what I’ve been through, because she’s been there too.
We got engaged on the same weekend. We got married the same year, just 4 months apart. I’m not gonna lie. I thought that our relationship was seriously going to change. Her life is altered, and mine isn’t. On November 11, 2008, Zoe Ezra Rose was born. Jini’s life is going to be seriously different now. I thought that now that she’s a mom we wouldn’t have anything in common. To be brutally honest, the morning of my flight out here, I didn’t want to come.
Zoe’s due date was December 3, and my trip was scheduled to be from 12/2 to 12/9. I had hoped that Zoe would wait and this would be a fair well trip to my fun, hip, career minded best friend. But, not only did she not wait, she was born 3 weeks early. So I had some time to amend my expectations of this trip. Many of you know my aversion to having kids. I guess I’m just not ready, but some times I think that my life would be much better off if I never even have any. I guess it’s an ongoing struggle in my brain. Since I was going to be helping my sister and bro-in-law (which is feeling more and more like a real brother every time I get to hang out with him), I figured that this would be a good chance to open my mind and my heart and really consider if now is the right time to start having kids of my own. I saw this trip as the beginning of the road to wanting children. Seeing Jini, who I knew was born to be a mom, and spending time with Dervin, the proud dad, I thought would open my eyes to see the joy of kids! Turns out that after seeing all that, I’m still just as selfish as before. I’m still not ready. It’s a little disappointing. That certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t ABSOLUTELY love my niece! She is truly a doll! But I just don’t want any of my own! It’s so frustrating! I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I guess I’m just a little bummed out. Generally, I’ve been having a really nice time. I’ve been able to encourage Jini to get back into her healthy daily routine of walking in the morning for a mile or two. She just told me earlier how I’ve been able to show her that it is ok to take Zoe out and enjoy activites. I’ve helped decorate their house for Christmas, and helped pick out their Christmas tree, and do some of their laundry, and help keep up with the dishes. Ok, mostly it sounds like I’ve just been doing chores, but it’s been a really relaxing trip and I have genuinely enjoyed myself. I’m glad I came. Even though I’m not ready for my own, I can certainly appreciate the baby. It’s also nice to see that Jini is still the same caring, thoughtful, insightful, beautiful best friend/sister as before!